I looked at my own cervix.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
