I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize