Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
