I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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