drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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