my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
