we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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