it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why did my mother make you get naked?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
