mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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