So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
