how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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