It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
