I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
