Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
