I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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