Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
