do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
