Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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