Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize