When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm too high and old for this...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
