i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
