her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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