It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
