So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
