I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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