I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
