Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
