just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
