I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
