yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
