dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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