Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
