just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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