Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
