I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
soo... how was my night?
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