I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
