Your dad touched me again.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
