His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
