Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
