I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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