this beer tastes like vomit already
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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