for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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