Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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