bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
