it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
