what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
