and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
