I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
