I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
