He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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