got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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