I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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