I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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