I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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