i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
