Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
